I’m working up a new query pitch for my newest novel, Caesar’s
Revenge. Please give my blurb a quick read and let me know what you think.
Thanks!
In the era of Caribbean piracy, a slave named Black Caesar turns pirate when he captures his master's ship and renames it the Revenge. He sets the ship's slaves and criminals free, including a sultry native named Corinna. But he gets more than he bargains for when his former master, the Spanish Viceroy, puts a price on his head. Hunted by the Spanish navy and captain of a mutinous crew, Caesar allies himself with Port Royal's duplicitous Governor Morgan. Together they plot a risky raid against the Viceroy's impregnable treasure fortress of Las Marinas, from which no pirate has ever returned alive. Gold, vengeance, and the beautiful Corinna all seem tantalizingly within Caesar's grasp, so long as the Spanish Viceroy doesn't hang him first.
"Hunted by the Spanish navy and captain of a mutinous crew, Caesar allies himself with Port Royal's duplicitous Governor Morgan."
ReplyDeleteThis is the only line I had some trouble with. So is the Viceroy the captain of the mutinous crew? That's how it sounds to me in this sentence, but I don't think that's right. Who's the captain of the mutinous crew? Or is Caesar the captain of the mutinous crew?
Other than that, I like. It's got the stakes in there, the characters, and what the obvious inciting incident is.
I agree with L.G., had to reread the same paragraph twice.
ReplyDeleteI also had to reread the part below.
In the era of Caribbean piracy, a slave named Black Caesar turns pirate when he captures his master's ship and renames it the Revenge.
It seems like he renamed the ship a bit too quickly. I would have said when he captures his master's ship and sets sail towards...but not before renaming the ship ...
You know that I am not an author so feel free to ignore : )
Love the action packed beginning to your novel.
Fun stuff here, Mark! Sounds like a fabulous adventure! You've got a nice balance of elements here. And it reads great. But if you *want* picky, here's some thoughts:
ReplyDeleteI would rearrange some wording. Twice you have the word "named" in there. You don't need to say that a person is named that. Instead, I'd say, " Black Ceasar, a slave turned pirate..." etc. Or leave the first as is and take out the second "named" ...
Also, a little vague why his master puts a price on his head. Is it because he escaped? To have a small description might amp up the tension. Also, maybe cut out the word "alive" and end with "returned" ... makes it seem like dead bodies come back? Unless that's the case!
Really fun! :D
After deciding to enter Amazon's Breakthrough Novel contest, I went through pitch rewriting "hell". One thing I've learned is to write it like a story, or like your living the story rather than telling about it. If it's an action book, write it with action. This book seems thrilling, if not necessarily action-packed, but the query seems like your telling about a thrilling book in a not so thrilling voice. Hope this helps some.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a good blurb to me!
ReplyDeleteBTW, thanks for stopping by with the well-wishing for Cezar—Different spelling. :-)
Book sounds like a thrilling read. Writing a query is painful, but it sounds like you are getting good advice.
ReplyDeleteI think it's great. Take the other advice to heart though, I can see where they are coming from. Sounds like an exciting book!
ReplyDeleteSounds enticing, which is at least half the battle :)
ReplyDeleteI think the middle bit could be tightened up, because there's information that might be too much detail for a query IMHO:
Second sentence (setting the slaves free) seems incidental, possibly remove entirely.
Next two sentences: Gets more than he bargained for? Really? I'd have thought this came with the territory :) Suggest collapsing - you need to mention the Spanish Viceroy, the navy, and the dubious alliance, but could probably do it in one clean sentence. Not sure whether the mutinous crew is adding or distracting from the query - again, it seems incidental to your purpose here.
Hope some of these thoughts help. Good luck!
Many, many thanks everyone for your candid and helpful suggestions! I'm working on a rewrite right now:) Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteHi Mark, the query has the stakes, the risks and the main character clearly identified.
ReplyDeleteIts good. Has the intrigue factor.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rachna:)
ReplyDelete